The Anxious Adult’s Guide to making friends: Why is it so HARD?!
It’s the weekend and I’m at home lying in bed, scrolling through Instagram to see what people are up to. I usually see people out with their friends on some cool adventure or having a good time at a party and as pathetic as it may seem, this made me sad because I don’t have a solid friend group to do such things with. On top of that, it’s so freaking hard to make friends now! What makes it even harder is the fact that once upon a time, I had that solid group of friends.
Let’s go back to September 2007 when MSN Messenger was still a thing and the first iPhone had just been revealed. I moved to Canada to pursue a degree in Geology leaving behind everyone that I knew; plunging myself into an intense period of homesickness when I moved into my dorm.
One day, I lost my cell phone (Motorola Krzr! How cool was I!) and panicked. I had no clue what to do so I ran to the next person I could find and asked for help. I had no clue then, but that cry for help would change my life forever. I met and made one of my first ever lifelong and best friends, Jessica. Opening up to her helped me have the courage to go out and meet other people, many of which became some of my best friends.
These friendships facilitated all the things they typically should:
✔️ People I could be my full and true weird self around without judgement.
✔️ People who supported me through both great and crappy times.
✔️ People who made me laugh constantly! You have no idea!!!
✔️ People who made me feel great about myself because they thought I was fun and legitimately wanted to spend their time with me. They made me feel valued.
I felt something that was new to me: I had finally met my people, my niche.
Sadly, after several years of living this dream, I began to suffer from health complications, forcing me to move back home to Trinidad. Separated from my tribe, I fell into a hellish depression where I just wanted to be alone. I had no friends at home since I never developed true friendships in my teenage years and had no desire to make new friends.
Fast-forward to 2019 and my health has improved significantly and life seems to be going pretty okay. I’ve made a handful of close friends since then and feel ready to meet more people. Easier said than done! Being the overly critical person that I am, I automatically thought that this shortcoming was somehow my own fault. The more I spoke to other people around my age, I realised that it was clearly a common issue and here’s why:
The Friendship Formula
Most psychologists see friendships develop based on a simple formula:
It’s easier to develop friendships with people who are in your immediate surroundings (Proximity); people who you see often (Frequency) and spend significant periods of time with (Duration) and people you can be open and honest with (Intensity).
These friendships that I made in my early 20’s came naturally and formed as a result of attending classes and living on campus. They were constantly around me and I spent every waking second of every day with them. I had no one else to turn to but them. What really made the difference was that, somehow, I was surrounded by some really freaking amazing people. I’m not sure if it was fate or the general friendly nature of Canadians (no, really, they’re SO friendly), but I got really lucky. I was able to open up to these people with ease and they were open with me.
Today, it’s not quite the same; I’m not in an environment that is similar to my university days. Personally, I have less opportunities than I did to make new friends.
· Nowadays, people would rather stay connected online, which is fine and all, but you don’t get the same intimacy you’d get in person that is essential to developing friendships.
· Most people already have their lives and daily patterns established that they’re not willing to deviate from. These people are busy and focused on furthering their education, managing their families or chasing their career goals.
· People already have their friend circles established and they may have established them a while now. They haven’t had the need to rebuild it from scratch like I have or see the need to expand that circle.
· It demands time and energy, which needs to be rationed these days (lol).
· People aren’t keen to be vulnerable to new people and self-disclose their personalities.
Self-Disclosure
For most young adults, today’s world is one fuelled by self-consciousness: We are afraid to seem vulnerable and share our personal experiences with each other. Psychologists have proven that those who self-disclose an aspect of their personal lives to others are more likely to develop friendships. The thing is… doing this could be extremely awkward. However awkward is the new cool… or at least I like to think so!
In my previous piece , I iterated how social media provides a filtered look into our lives; filtered based on what we think is current and cool and what attracts followers. This filtering often percolates into the real world where we try to control and conceal which parts of our personalities we put forth in our workplaces, at school and other various aspects of our lives. Sometimes we’re afraid to be vulnerable at risk of appearing unattractive in some sense and scaring away potential friends and connections. We are constantly pressured to impress people and worry about rejection and judgement. Additionally, we don’t want our personal business out in the world; in the hands of the wrong people, it could lead to unnecessary stress.
Of course, I’m not saying you should expose every aspect of your personal life to a complete stranger, you’ve got to keep it appropriate based on the setting and the person you’re encountering, but also have some courage and tell them something you normally wouldn’t share. It’s natural for someone to be reluctant in showing their vulnerability, but the best way to get someone to open up is by opening up yourself!
Personal Reasons
During my bout of depression, I did not feel great about who I was as a person. I was stuck at home, unemployed, unwell and lacking in friends with no idea of what I was doing with my life. I felt like utter crap. This led me to being extremely self-conscious; I didn’t want people to know how pathetic I felt about myself. It developed into a level of social anxiety I had not felt before: it felt like wherever I went, especially in social settings, people were talking about everything that was wrong with me as a person.
It wasn’t a great mindset in which to make friends. I had to learn to be my own best friend and be good to myself before trying to make friends with others. I don’t mean I needed to be perfect in every aspect of life, but I have to be able to believe in myself. Self-confidence and esteem are key to building friendships. Once you feel comfortable with who you are and in what you can offer and stop worrying about what others may think. You’ll find and attract people that compliment you.
My Solution: Friend Dating
Let’s say you come across someone cool that you would like to get to know. You’re either going to take one of two paths:
You ask them to exchange contact info and let them know you enjoyed meeting them. They might agree and you both figure out a time and place to hangout whether it be over coffee or drinks or food (YES FOOD!) You both enjoy each other’s company and start to develop a potential friendship. Worst case is that they say no thanks and you just move onto the next one.
OR
You worry about asking someone to hangout because it may seem awkward and you don’t want to freak people out with your weirdness. Instead you hope that they try to get to know you, which isn’t a for sure thing. You sit there, putting yourself into what can feel like a never-ending cycle of anxiety and confusion.
Are you going sit there questioning yourself or just make a move? What the worst that can happen?
Sometimes you just have to take a plunge and that is exactly what I’m doing. If I come across someone interesting who doesn’t seem overly terrifying, I ask them to hang out. When you think about it, it’s like dating but for making friends and it’s probably more terrifying than actual dating.
With regular dating you put yourself at risk of rejection, but rejection that might not necessarily be your fault and easier to rationalise. It could be that the person isn’t looking to date at the moment or they’re already taken. With friend-dating, its more personal, where if a person rejects you it’s because they literally have no interest in getting to know you! WHAT THE HELL!
That’s part of life though and not everyone is going to like us. Just like dating, it’s very hit or miss.
We’ve got to be courageous and make move.
This is for you Gill.
Recently, I lost one of those very close and friends that I made in Canada. Gill is/was one of the very best friends I could ever have asked for in my entire life. We sang along to Elton John and Rihanna while going on adventures in our dorm. We had Mac & Cheese with tacos while binging on America’s Next Top Model (Tyra is crazy and we loved it). She did what she wanted and what she loved. She didn’t care what people thought of her. She had confidence. She was Gill. Most importantly, she knew how to be a great friend.
Here are a couple things I learnt from Gilly that has helped me make many new great and close friends, some of whom I can’t imagine life without:
Be Open: Don’t limit yourself to what you’re comfortable with. Meet people outside of your field, people who do things that you know nothing about. Think of all the cool things you could learn.
Be Consistent: If you meet or hangout with someone and you both enjoy it, ask to hang out again! Don’t be shy or hope that they would you instead. Make that first move!
Be Kind: It’s simple and effortless to be kind in your everyday life and kindness is attractive. Kindness is what attracted me to all my current friends, both Canadian and Trinidadian.
Be Yourself: Sometimes you might think that your personality isn’t one that others might like and that’s definitely not true. Embrace your weirdness and you’ll find your people.
