Surviving Mental Illness: The Not So Medical Approach
That kid you see in the picture above is trying his utter best to put on a smile, not only because the camera flash is extremely bright, but because he was extremely anxious about his first day of primary school. I was just about to turn 5 and all I could think of was “Why can’t I just stay in pre-school with my friends?” I didn’t know what anxiety was back then, but I did not like what I was feeling. I also didn’t know what was coming for me in the future.
Nineteen years later and much like myself, my anxiety had also evolved, and it was about to change my life. As I boarded a flight back to Canada after a brief vacation at home in Trinidad, it hit me. I needed to get off the plane. NOW. For reasons unknown my heart began to race, my limbs gone numb and I had difficulty breathing. I was experiencing my very first panic attack.
I had no idea what a panic attack was at the time, so my mind was buzzing:
“What the bloody hell was wrong with me?”
“Why is this happening?”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
First off, no one deserves any form mental illness or disorder.
Secondly, and I cannot stress this enough, its NOT a trendy personality trait as its currently depicted by pop culture. It’s a legit malady / illness that must be diagnosed by a professional and not by oneself.
Going Mental
After countless attempts to understand why my brain betrayed me, psychiatrists had diagnosed me with Panic and Anxiety Disorder.
Anxiety is a common feeling amongst us all; it’s a sense of worry, fear and unease that overcomes us when faced with something new or challenging according to the National Health Service (the UK’s, not ours). Anxiety disorders take it up a notch where I experience intense anxiety about everyday things that should not warrant it.
Picking out an outfit: GOD NO. ANXIETY.
Setting up a meeting with a co-worker: AHHHHH!
Going to any form of social gathering: CERTAIN DEATH.
Panic disorders on the other hand are the mental manifestation of that one reality show contestant who isn’t here to make friends. Those same feelings of anxiety and stress now have extreme panic added to them and can often happen without any trigger. It turns non-threatening situations into illogical life and death scenarios.
This combination of mental illness made me second guess and worry about everything… and I mean EVERYTHING. It’s always on my mind. You constantly tell yourself you aren’t enough and that you’re not doing your best. And it messes you up…and you feel like you can’t stop it, I didn’t know how to, at least not yet.
The Dark Years
Before my diagnosis, I thought maybe it was just stress. I had been studying relentlessly across the last 5 years. Maybe this was my body telling me that I needed a rest. I’ll try heading back to Canada in a week or so.
NOPE. NOT A CHANCE
One week turned into a month, and a month turned into the remainder of the year. Panic attacks kept coming like unwanted Fast & Furious movies, it was here to stay. I withdrew from my Master’s degree in Canada and moved back home with my family. The life and future I had spent several years building was completely gone. I was stuck in my childhood room, with only my duplicitous thoughts keeping me company. For the next two years, I was a patient being pummeled with so much negativity.
Faking it
I was always trying not to worry the people around me because I felt like a burden to my family; I felt like I was disappointing them more than I ever thought I could. I tried to make it seem like I was doing perfectly fine; in fact, I still do that to this day sometimes. Putting on that smile and façade sucks so much energy out of me, but I learnt that it is okay to not be okay (cliché, I know).
Hating Myself
Here I was a washed-up graduate who had to move back home due to an illness that I couldn’t get a handle on. I was unemployed, broke and sick. What was there to like about myself? I hated myself for letting this happen to me. My self-esteem and confidence just nosedived.
Loneliness & Shame
All my closest friends at that time were back in Canada and I literally had none at the time in Trinidad. At the same time…when you feel crap about yourself, you don’t want anyone to know what’s happened to you. It constantly felt like I had a big “Here’s a walking failure” sign stuck to me 24/7. I felt truly alone for the first time in my life. I was alone in this fight with no one around me who understood what I felt.
Depression
Everything I had been through had organized itself into delivering the final blow: Depression. Being stuck at home with nothing to do, no money, no job, no friends and constant negative self-talk did a number on my brain. I lacked the freedom and ability to express myself as I did back in university and I had accepted that I had deserved this self-loathing mental rut that I was stuck in.
Living (and Thriving) With It.
Eventually, I got tired of it all and just wanted to give up. Once my doctors heard me say that, they prescribed all sorts of meds: Zoloft, Xanax, you name it! While they provided temporary relief, I decided to discontinue meds, especially after experiencing short-term memory loss with one pill they made me try. It’s easy to turn to medication, but nothing changes unless you really make the effort.
So that’s what I did: I took the approach of practicing things that all together would improve my mental health:
Therapy
Talk. When you’re mentally unwell, the best thing you can do for yourself is to find someone you can talk to. I did just that in 2018 when I started seeing a psychologist for regular therapy sessions.
IT SAVED MY LIFE.
Therapy became a safe space where I could vent and just talk about literally anything without judgement. My therapist would listen actively and guide me on small things I can do to change how I felt in the moment. She encouraged me to start writing and exercising; simple things that have helped improve my mental health. I always leave every session feeling refreshed and equipped to take on my life….and when I feel like everything is in the crapper, she’s ready to hear me out again. If you ever need an excellent and affordable therapist, let me know!
Comedy
Life is already messy. I’ve gotten used to things not going as planned, so instead of letting it stress me out, why not just laugh at how effing ridiculous circumstances can be? Try not to take things too seriously and always try to find the humour in things. By doing this I disabled the negative effects that serious or stressful situations can have on my mental health. Sure, some things should be taken seriously, but what’s the point of life if I can’t laugh? Find a reason to laugh daily, whether it’s by making a funny face or just talking absolute nonsense. Make those around you laugh as well, it will give them relief from their own stress and make you feel great in return.
Exercise
I had resigned physical exercise as one of those things that was not for me until I turned 30. I realized my body was definitely not the same as it was in my early 20s and I had to do something about it. So, I signed up for the gym and got a personal trainer and it was the best decision EVER. I mean, I actually have muscles now! I even lost weight! Who am I anymore? It’s now stress and anxiety reliever. I see it as something I have control over: so, while I might struggle with controlling my anxiety, I am in complete control of the results I get from physical exercise.
Writing
Sorting through the tangled headphones that are my thoughts and emotions is NOT an easy job, but writing has helped me make sense of it. I never thought that I could be any form of writer in this sense, still not sure I am really (hello imposter syndrome!) but it’s been a really fun way to be creative. I write to let others know that they’re not alone in this fight. It’s hard for friends and family to fully understand what you’re going through, but through my words, I want others to know that you’re really not alone. There are others like you struggling out here and the more we talk about, the less lonely we’ll feel.
So at the end of this all, there’s some good news and bad news.
The Bad News: I still suffer from Panic and Anxiety Disorder. In fact, I may have to deal with it for the rest of my life.
The Good News: My panic and anxiety episodes have significantly diminished in intensity over the years and I’m the happiest I’ve been in ages!
If I could tell 2012 Jason that in 2020, he’d be gainfully employed, in the best shape of his life and going on all sorts of adventures, he wouldn’t believe it. I was able to pull myself out of an abyss of pain and suffering into a life I’m proud of, through hard work and my determination to be happy once more.
What I’m trying to say at the end of this all is:
· If I can get through it, so can you.
· There are more great days, than bad days: focus on the positive.
· Mental illness is no laughing matter, but laughter may just be the antidote we need!
